why the fuck don't women know enough about their periods? browsing through the last 100 hits on my period, i realized that 9 queries were directly relating to one's period, and the other--a more common search string, is regarding fucking girls on there (sic) period. check my stats:
| Num | Perc. | Search Term | |
 | 8 | 61.54% | my period |
| 1 | 7.69% | paper mache bowels |
| 1 | 7.69% | about my period |
| 1 | 7.69% | sluts: the documentary |
| 1 | 7.69% | papermache recipe |
| 1 | 7.69% | fucking girls on there period |
| 13 | 100.00% |
so, maybe i should give the readers a little primer on periods, since all y'all seem to have a lot of christly questions about it. i mean seriously-- do you not know what a period is? what kind of general query is "my period"? perhaps they were all looking for my world-famous blog, but i pretty much doubt it.
1. your period is the red blood that runs from your vag about once a month. all the other weird shit is called PMS.
2. your period is actually called menstruation, but we like to say the curse, on the rag, aunt flo, hemorrhaging, weeping womb, the monthlies, having your pixies, losing my lining, making vampire teabags, plum pudding, leak week, my ovaries are eating my intestines, blow job days, seducing the vampire, rebooting the ovarian operating system, falling to the communists, the bleedies, shark week, making pink lemonade, red snow, suffocating little white mice, black towel time, or arts and crafts week in panties land.
3. women's periods, lasting on average about 28 days, are (not coincidentally) the same length as lunar cycles. good witches and hippies menstruate in perfect synchronicity with moon.
4. only us hens get a period.
5. mostly it sucks.
6. period sex can be great fun, and people often look for clips of it online (and get directed--quite frustratingly to be sure--to this site).
7. it's funny when women get their periods when they're not expecting them (when it's not you).
8. you can even have your period when you're pregnant.
9. eggs are chicken periods.
10. be careful, menstruating women often get eaten by sharks and bears.
p.s. these folks also know a thing or two about bleeding.
p.p.s. a) i'm glad i could come of some assistance to the bloke who was searching for paper mache bowels--altho i'm most certain (s)he was looking for bowls. b) horns to msn.com for listing us as its #1 query for "my period" and to webcrawler for listing us as #6! c) eff you, google, for not listing us in the 15 pages i looked thru before i gave up. oh, and if anyone knows of any search engines besides the five that i'm probably thinking of, please let me know where my period comes up, if you've got a mo'. thanks in advance.
love, beany
5 comments:
it's fab, and called Sluts: The Documentary and is directed by Andrea Dorfman. check out my sept. 23 entry regarding said film.
you got a wicked evil sense of humour beany. fuckin A. #2 had me crackin up. having the pixies, making vampire teabags and rebooting the ol' ovarian operating system are my fav. thanks for those.
great post. laughed so hard I ended up having my peroid early! what do I do?
scotia: too bad about your early period. when i get my period early, i just let it flow freely, wear skirts and let the blood drip down my legs. to regulate your periods, you could try chasteberry. i'm glad you liked the menstruation words. my fave is arts and crafts week in panties land. i almost got my period early too.
thanks for the advice. Great, I've got bloody legs now.
These chasteberries you speak of, where would one find some? Would pete's frootique carry them? Can you make pies out of them?
mmmmmmmmm, chasteberry pie.
Also, you forgot "Riding the Tam-pony" a great addition.
chasteberries-- only at great ocean. you could make a pie, but you'd probably bleed to death or something. i've not heard of riding the tam-pony, but i totally dig it.
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