autumn and falling, ought um--i fell

i'm about to fall in and i've already fallen in and it pained so much to fall like when on the icy driveway i skinned my knees and ripped my pleather pants when i was 10 i still have the scar and i'll still have this one for a fucking while but also i'll have the shiny times but this seems so desperate and you can see into my wound and it's only because i've been astray and feel i should show my face yet this is all i can say i fucking suck at lying i'm doing ok you could see thru that well mostly ok altho i want my skin ripped off and my organs out thru my mouth and if it weren't violent i'd shoot every car and asshole SUV and motorbike that drove by not the drivers or passengers just the vehicle and i'd throw every hammer that banged and every siren and alarm that interrupted my melancholy and i wish i were in the country or at the lake and not alone i'm not so good with alone maybe because a stork dropped me off on a doorstep i think i like alone yet it's as scary as aliens and i'm lucky i'm cleansing or it'd be whisky and chocolate and the nasty all around but none of those only crows and saline nonsense and being in the embrace of the green goddess and actually feeling it and feeling soft and warm then cool when it lasted too long i don't want to go to the sea for once i'd rather rock out with my clit in because germany only comes twice in two years but never again i will leave anyway and take a shitty smile with me and probably fucking hate it altho at least my mom will be happy for another day and i will be even sadder for a few that succeed i'm glad this year isn't last year except maybe i'm not sure altho i wish fuck i have no idea i just wish i had maté and a paté sandwich and a ginger cookie and Soymilk and a warm hug in an inappropriate way that ironed itself out in appropriateness or was in fucking theoryland or some less-shit place where we could be better and i would shut the fuck up do you like inside me do you like what you see i will be okay just not quite just yet.