i had a fear that if i went outside that my day would get worse.
when i'm inside, i know what to expect-- and inside this house was perfect today, or nearly.
the effin' most sublime sweater-necessitating breeze-- it mimicked my beloved autumn.
i didn't think anything that i'd find outside would make me more content-- except booster juice (ah-say-ee!)-- but i didn't go.
my afternoon yesterday, as today, was a 7-8/10. today i just chilled to some tunes: dinosaur jr (j mascis, oh j mascis), bauhaus, norwegian ambient death metal, new pornographers, white zombie, type o negative... i was just flipping thru cds until my shitty stereo fucking broke-- which i expect to occur about twice a year-- and then it stays broken for at least a month or two because i never make it out to bayer's lake with my big hunka stereo because it's awkward and i'd fuck it up on the bus so cool my stereo is broken and i'll spin cds on my computer NG (not gonna) until the fan grows louder and i can no longer do that either and then emily's discman as last resort if we get desperate and maybe i should persuade sears to give me a new one-- i did that once but i doubt they'd do it again. drat! rats!
well, i guess i'll just dig out my tapes-- i pretty much only have metal on tape. wicked!
but today... i just wrote and read and ate yogourt and noodles and swiss chard and tofu and strawberry soymilk and wallowed in smiles and can't believe the delightful spot i'm in and am frightened to think of what will become of me when it ends no no no no no i don't want to face it. stay away terrible. away. far. i don't miss the comfort in being sad-- not today anyway. don't make me go outside (only for soymilk or batteries) or stop feeling light and lovely. this is all too rare. sometimes i think i might vomit and i will fill up once again with bile and hate. i fear it coming to me often thruout the day.
i might catch it like a cold if i go outside.
inside is safe and predictable and as long as i'm the dj, i won't end up crying in a heap on the kitchen floor for endless hours (altho it's comforting sometimes too-- in its predictability).
but today-- no crying on the floor. just hanging out with grins. the saline, icy, gargantuan tide did it to me, and good company (including but not limited to substances) has helped ward off the hateful bile-demons.
keep it comin'
and beware of my inevitable fall.
when i'm inside, i know what to expect-- and inside this house was perfect today, or nearly.
the effin' most sublime sweater-necessitating breeze-- it mimicked my beloved autumn.
i didn't think anything that i'd find outside would make me more content-- except booster juice (ah-say-ee!)-- but i didn't go.
my afternoon yesterday, as today, was a 7-8/10. today i just chilled to some tunes: dinosaur jr (j mascis, oh j mascis), bauhaus, norwegian ambient death metal, new pornographers, white zombie, type o negative... i was just flipping thru cds until my shitty stereo fucking broke-- which i expect to occur about twice a year-- and then it stays broken for at least a month or two because i never make it out to bayer's lake with my big hunka stereo because it's awkward and i'd fuck it up on the bus so cool my stereo is broken and i'll spin cds on my computer NG (not gonna) until the fan grows louder and i can no longer do that either and then emily's discman as last resort if we get desperate and maybe i should persuade sears to give me a new one-- i did that once but i doubt they'd do it again. drat! rats!
well, i guess i'll just dig out my tapes-- i pretty much only have metal on tape. wicked!
but today... i just wrote and read and ate yogourt and noodles and swiss chard and tofu and strawberry soymilk and wallowed in smiles and can't believe the delightful spot i'm in and am frightened to think of what will become of me when it ends no no no no no i don't want to face it. stay away terrible. away. far. i don't miss the comfort in being sad-- not today anyway. don't make me go outside (only for soymilk or batteries) or stop feeling light and lovely. this is all too rare. sometimes i think i might vomit and i will fill up once again with bile and hate. i fear it coming to me often thruout the day.
i might catch it like a cold if i go outside.
inside is safe and predictable and as long as i'm the dj, i won't end up crying in a heap on the kitchen floor for endless hours (altho it's comforting sometimes too-- in its predictability).
but today-- no crying on the floor. just hanging out with grins. the saline, icy, gargantuan tide did it to me, and good company (including but not limited to substances) has helped ward off the hateful bile-demons.
keep it comin'
and beware of my inevitable fall.
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