the spirits of crassmas (n)ow

i used to like christmas, but now not so much. i like hallowe'en better, and thanksgiving. these are holidays where most sane people don't buy gifts and cards and go insane. they don't involve jesus, they are more inclusive. christmas makes me edgy and poor and stressed and annoyed and sometimes a little hateful and resentful. i realize this isn't inherently christmas's fault, but our collective fault for allowing the season to grow into the cold commercial tumour that it has. who do you give gifts to? what the fuck do they like? will they even appreciate a gift i laboured to make? eventually, i mostly just capitulated, saying fuck it. i have a list, i'll check it as many times as i need to, some people will get shit, some people won't. some of it will stay in cupboards, closets, drawers and fridges, while some will be held close to hearts. this is the mysterious gamble whose oucome i'll never truly know, because everyone will play the famous, tried and true game of pretending to be happy that us 20-30 somethings are so g-d accomplished. some of us will spend christmas with our families-- and i stress the plural, as many of them are now split up. we'll be picking around carcasses that we don't eat, grains that make us puffy, food that we liked as a kid, but have since grown weary of and our parents don't pay enough attention to notice. some of us will have to work. some of us will spend christmas alone. some of us will be drunk and high. some of us will likely see the image of mary, jesus, or to shake it up just a little--joseph-- on the side of a tim hortons in sydney mines. for some of us, it will just be another day-- because we're not christian, or we don't give six, or even one shit. this christmas, i'll spend alone in my ripped-up apartment like i did last year. i'll be organizing and purging my shit, because it's a good time for it. perhaps i'll smoke or drink or make and eat enough cookies and soynog to make me vomit. i'll listen to norwegian black metal. i'll make tea and read. this is my christmas. it should be chill.