bean-o-lantern

boo.
mave, thanks for the o'lantern.

worst. hallowe'en. participation. ever.

i can count on one person for Hallowe'en adventures-- but i didn't even take him up on it. my hallowe'en energy had soared too low my this point. hallowe'en is my favourite. it always has been. it's dark and spooky and ridiculous and people get wack and i feel comfortable because it's my time. this year, after resigning to the idea of not making a corpse bride costume, i ended up making a bat costume which was fucking killer. professor fry helped me, ok, made the ears for me, in what turned out to be the personality of the costume-- the light spot shining through darkness. i was set to go to stage nine and nobody wanted to go. some were too sick (it's hallowe'en-- plan for health). the gothiest of the goth didn't have a costume this year (no excuse, it's your christmas, man). some didn't have enough money (borrow from your mom, it's halloween). others too much schoolwork (i will help you with your schoolwork). everybody: not enough planning. i suppose i could've gone out myself, but it made me sad not to be with my ghouls. i opted for a a few photoshoots, where professor captured the dark soul of my bat costume. at least it was well documented, whether i got to dance in it or not. li'l j did call me to go out, but i was too sober and bummed to go at one a.m.
memo to everyone: next year SUCK IT UP AND TRY HARDER or don't talk about hallow'en as if you care.
anyone want to goth night for dancing tonight? try to win your dark back?
my period kind of apologizes for the harshness, but your nonparticipating nature really got me down.

Z O M B I E P U M P K I N S!

check. this. shit. out.you can pay as little as $5 to download one of these stencils. bootastique!

vay-kay-shun? hot: so hot!

i'm on vacation. vacation. fucking vacation! i've not taken an actual week's vacation in more than two years. it's so hot i'm dancing. the first three days were pure fucking lazorama. today i got up (relatively) early to make a batch of bars, as much because i wanted to eat them as that they're long sold out (i'm totally eating one right now). the saddest news is that we're totally out of soymilk which seems like it'd never happen-- but it totally does-- oh wait! i have backup!..it's not amazing. it's expired, but it'll have to do... so the last few days has brought a bunch of little amazing events. tuesday lucia and i went to value village where in five minutes i found a cool batman mask which i was going to render. in a move that wasn't terribly signature, i lost it somewhere between the store and the car. i suck. anyway, i also got some rad warm red kneesocks. stopping my to the allan street kitchen, mat gave me an old man luedecke cd and it's exactly what i needed. thanks. so i came home and listened to it and drank cup after cup of tea while and read while it pissed and i mean pissed rain outside and i had warm socks on and lots of asweaters and afghans and quilts and i was perfectly warm and this is the day of my dreams it was so fucking perfect i almost came on my book. yesterday my parents came and i was in a quiet mood and we picked my brother up at school and ran around looking for a place to eat and we ended up at mexico lindo after a gillion minutes of driving and me changing my mind about the instinct i had that this or that resto's food might be too oily or some other shit. came home, was a little pissy. drank a drinkydrink left on the table from the night before and headed again to the allan street kitchen to be interviewed on everyone's favourite vegan baking (radio) show let's get baked with mat and dave, about having a healthy halloween. the episode should be on tonight (from 5-6pm), and it's CKDU funding drive time, $o pledge you motherfucker$! made supper of leftover baked squash in fried tofu and split pea soup and headed to rosie's to check out the shirt he screened. it's hot and soon everyone can wear my bar's emblem on their chest. then to egg's to drill a hole in our sea monkey aquarium so we can make a bong from it. i will post more about this soon. other excellent highlights of my vacation: me doing shit-all until now and that's why i'm procrastinating. and we watched some crazyass stephen hawking stuff and a few choice simpsons episodes. also, i ate a good chunk of a loaf of kamut bread that tastes like white bread but feels like kamut bread because it is. also, my lovely aunt gloria and uncle jack, the lovely folks who keep me in constant supply of sweet sweet maple syrup, sent down a kohlrabi as big as my head or bigger, like 5 enormous squash and a fuckload of potatoes, carrots and pears. they're totally unsprayed pieces of awesome, grown with love and weeded in part by child labourers (grandchilren). thanks, aunt g and uncle j! more soon. more later. more sooner or later.

soymilk, soymilk in my fridge-- how many soymilks do you wish?

a funny thing happened last night. we were baked, watching a flick and eating cookies when i pleaded with my brother to refill my glass of soymilk. when finally he agreed, he yelled from the kitchen, "pink, blue or green?" i realized that not only did we have three varieties of so nice soymilk (unsweetened, original and vanilla, respectively), but that we also had a carton of vanilla edensoy and minutes before we'd drained a carton of silk original. we had, at one point in the evening, five varieties of soymilk in the fridge. but i think we can top that-- we didn't even have chocolate or strawberry (or mocha, or cappucino, or green tea...)

try tellin' THAT to my baby!

Wanna see the most saccharine video ever (whose set and characters were constructed entirely from penny candy, vegan marshmallows and ruth minnikin's eyelashes)? Fucking check it-- from my pals The Heavy Blinkers (now ambiguously known as HB3 or, the Heavy Blinkers Trio), my period brings you "Try Tellin' That to My Baby." I'd show you a screen shot, but I want it to be pure surprise. Now go brush your teeth before they rot!

me today-- but i have tits (but not photoshop)

full moon foulness

i knew it was a full moon when:
-i was called an hour after i should've been at work to see why i wasn't at work, and it was because i was sleeping.
-my brother and i were total fucks to each other this morning.
-i was a total bitch sass to every customer all day.
-i was as inefficient as possible.
-i lost a chunk of my tooth (a leftover baby tooth!) while eating and it's sharp as fuck and i don't have a health plan.
-lots of other shit that i won't get into.

the blood on your period

why the fuck don't women know enough about their periods? browsing through the last 100 hits on my period, i realized that 9 queries were directly relating to one's period, and the other--a more common search string, is regarding fucking girls on there (sic) period. check my stats:

	Num	Perc.	Search Term
	8	61.54%	my period
	1	7.69%	paper mache bowels
	1	7.69%	about my period
	1	7.69%	sluts: the documentary
	1	7.69%	papermache recipe
	1	7.69%	fucking girls on there period
	13	100.00%

so, maybe i should give the readers a little primer on periods, since all y'all seem to have a lot of christly questions about it. i mean seriously-- do you not know what a period is? what kind of general query is "my period"? perhaps they were all looking for my world-famous blog, but i pretty much doubt it.


1. your period is the red blood that runs from your vag about once a month. all the other weird shit is called PMS.

2. your period is actually called menstruation, but we like to say the curse, on the rag, aunt flo, hemorrhaging, weeping womb, the monthlies, having your pixies, losing my lining, making vampire teabags, plum pudding, leak week, my ovaries are eating my intestines, blow job days, seducing the vampire, rebooting the ovarian operating system, falling to the communists, the bleedies, shark week, making pink lemonade, red snow, suffocating little white mice, black towel time, or arts and crafts week in panties land.

3. women's periods, lasting on average about 28 days, are (not coincidentally) the same length as lunar cycles. good witches and hippies menstruate in perfect synchronicity with moon.

4. only us hens get a period.

5. mostly it sucks.

6. period sex can be great fun, and people often look for clips of it online (and get directed--quite frustratingly to be sure--to this site).

7. it's funny when women get their periods when they're not expecting them (when it's not you).

8. you can even have your period when you're pregnant.

9. eggs are chicken periods.

10. be careful, menstruating women often get eaten by sharks and bears.

p.s. these folks also know a thing or two about bleeding.

p.p.s. a) i'm glad i could come of some assistance to the bloke who was searching for paper mache bowels--altho i'm most certain (s)he was looking for bowls. b) horns to msn.com for listing us as its #1 query for "my period" and to webcrawler for listing us as #6! c) eff you, google, for not listing us in the 15 pages i looked thru before i gave up. oh, and if anyone knows of any search engines besides the five that i'm probably thinking of, please let me know where my period comes up, if you've got a mo'. thanks in advance.

love, beany

calling in sick, because i am and because i can and because i deserve to

i'm sneezing. my urethra is stinging. i'm drinking dandelion tea. i've taken lots of supplements. nothing is soothing except for touching myself, and then it gets worse when i stop. pretty. fucking. annoying. first i'm chilled. now i'm sweating. i actually started off to work this morning and got half way across the commons, only stopping to punch myself in a the vag a couple of times. i was wearing a pretty velvet and lace skirt, knee high socks and mary janes. i dressed cute because i felt horrific. such is what i do. after much i came home, called in late and thought i'd draw myself a vinegary bath, but my tub is vile. the fucker won't drain. so here i sit, having just deliberated over calling in sick. figured i might as well, as i generally have too much pride to call in sick because i like to be strong, despite a bowel disease. i realize i have sick days and i've worked when feeling moribund and the company profits from my pride, so today i say fuck that noise-- i'm staying home to nurse my rampant and forceful sneezing, burning urethra and alternating chills and hots. the best part is, my manager, who does read my blog, lost her internet connection, so she won't see this until way later. har.

lick it, like it

alice in teepee land

i'm back from the beach. things aren't so bad. lots of rain. lots of board (bored?) games. reading. finishing my fast. here's something cool.

autumn and falling, ought um--i fell

i'm about to fall in and i've already fallen in and it pained so much to fall like when on the icy driveway i skinned my knees and ripped my pleather pants when i was 10 i still have the scar and i'll still have this one for a fucking while but also i'll have the shiny times but this seems so desperate and you can see into my wound and it's only because i've been astray and feel i should show my face yet this is all i can say i fucking suck at lying i'm doing ok you could see thru that well mostly ok altho i want my skin ripped off and my organs out thru my mouth and if it weren't violent i'd shoot every car and asshole SUV and motorbike that drove by not the drivers or passengers just the vehicle and i'd throw every hammer that banged and every siren and alarm that interrupted my melancholy and i wish i were in the country or at the lake and not alone i'm not so good with alone maybe because a stork dropped me off on a doorstep i think i like alone yet it's as scary as aliens and i'm lucky i'm cleansing or it'd be whisky and chocolate and the nasty all around but none of those only crows and saline nonsense and being in the embrace of the green goddess and actually feeling it and feeling soft and warm then cool when it lasted too long i don't want to go to the sea for once i'd rather rock out with my clit in because germany only comes twice in two years but never again i will leave anyway and take a shitty smile with me and probably fucking hate it altho at least my mom will be happy for another day and i will be even sadder for a few that succeed i'm glad this year isn't last year except maybe i'm not sure altho i wish fuck i have no idea i just wish i had maté and a paté sandwich and a ginger cookie and Soymilk and a warm hug in an inappropriate way that ironed itself out in appropriateness or was in fucking theoryland or some less-shit place where we could be better and i would shut the fuck up do you like inside me do you like what you see i will be okay just not quite just yet.

my blogger is itchy

i promise-- very soon. lots of shit to say. my blog stats are down. i dreampt about writing a song about pears, and screaming and crying at/in front of george bush to stop the nonsensical war. i don't think i persuaded him, but he gave me a hug as if he understood. as. fucking. if.