my period

13 ways to polish your ivory castles

2007-01-29T23:52:00.000-04:00

i just realized that i have thirteen different kinds of toothpastes. to be fair, one is a tooth powder. none of these contain disgusting chemicals, especially lousy flouride. these lovely plant-based toothpastes use herbs used for thousands of years for cleaning and whitening the teeth. there's one here for sensitive teeth that helps prevent receding gums. most have antibacterial properties. they're effin' cool-- and i don't even have a few of my faves right now. if you want, bring your toothbrush over and try one! i will list the ones pictured:

1. Weleda- Plant Gel
2. JASON- Oral Comfort
3. Desert Essence- Cooling Mint with tea tree oil
4. Green Beaver- Star Anise
5. Jie Yin Chinese Herbal Toothpaste
6. Weleda- Calendula Toothpaste
7. Burt's Bees- Cinnamint
8. Weleda- Pink Ratanhia Toothpaste
9. JASON- Seafresh
10 Auromere- Mint Free Ayurvedic
11Weleda- Children's Tooth Gel
12. Kiss My Face- Aloe Vera Whitening Toothpaste
13. Mitoku- Dentie Toothpowder (charred eggplant)

an underrated activity

2006-12-30T16:31:00.000-04:00

an underrated activity: selecting a particularly droney (or other musical styling of your choice) album and tripping out to the itunes visualizer. and i'm not even high.

chai pussy

2006-12-28T18:15:00.000-04:00

my pussy smelled like chai yesterday. it was awesome.

dear 1992 self,

2006-11-21T04:37:00.001-04:00

in september of 2006, while you're in montreal to see megadeth, you'll learn that guns n' roses'll be playing in your city. not only will axl still be alive, he'll actually show up to your city, bring dizzy reed and a bunch of other reasonably random cats and put on an amazingly kickass show. you won't even miss slash (much). you won't have to "walk on your eyes" (you will actually say you'd do this) to see g'n'r-- they will come to you-- so be patient. there's no need to scream at your parents when they won't let you go see them with metallica in montreal this summer. although it will be one of their most infamous shows, you wouldn't get to see much of it anyway, as axl walks off stage after a couple of songs and james hetfield gets burned by pyrotechnics (but he'll be okay). ok, it would actually have been cool to see this show, but you won't get to go.
in november of 2006, however, after nearly eight weeks of wondering if it would even be worth it to see g'n'r anymore, one of your best friends manages to score really cheap floor tickets, you haul out the tiny axl rose-esque mesh football shirt you've been looking for since you saw the paris use your illusion concert on video, but you only found last year, and rock your cock competely off about five hicks away from the band. axl will sing all the ballads (except don't cry which is played as an instrumental) and you'll scarcely remember which boy went with which song. you won't cry when you hear any of them, but you do remember many school dances where you kissed boys and/or cried about them during each of these songs.
near the end of the show, for one song, some characters from a very popular locally-produced tv show will appear on the stage and play a song called "liquor and whores" with the band. one of the characters will play in the band "sandbox legacy," that will also play at your grade nine prom which you will go to with a drummer named ian and you'll wear a terrible purple dress. you will look back at this and find it pretty funny. i promise that you'll glance back at everything and find it really funny. but you won't listen to me-- like south park's eric cartman wouldn't listen to his future self in the recent nintendo wii episode-- because you're a stubborn little slut. anyway, i bid you farewell, sweet child o' mine. you're probably up right now at 3:59 in the a.m. on a school night, reading a g'n'r-related issue of metal edge magazine or writing in your journal about a stupid boy who likes shitty music and is a complete tool. all is cool in the future, man, don't fret! in 2006, you won't be married to a boy you met in university, but you'll be glad about it. you will get to see guns n' fuckin' roses--or what you'd begrudgingly call a reasonable fascimile. and they will blow both your 1992 and 2006 selves clear outta the water.
chin up, bitch!
love and much rawk and metal,
2006 self
xoxo

p.s. here's the set list
Welcome to the Jungle
It's So Easy
Mr Brownstone
Live and Let Die
Knocking on Heavens door
Finck solo
Sweet Child o' Mine
Better
You Could be Mine
The Blues
That annoyingly long rendition of Beautiful by Christina Aguilera
Out To Get Me
November Rain
Rocket Queen
Liquor and Whores
My Michelle
Patience
Bumblefoot Oh Canada/Don't Cry
Nightrain
Madagascar
Paradise City

i heart anime porn

2006-11-06T01:45:00.000-04:00

oh yeah. just like that. omigod.

tap the trees, find my syrup

2006-10-20T09:16:00.000-03:00

perhaps i'm pushing my luck, but the worst thing troubling my existence right now is that i can't find the 2L of maple syrup that i know are in the house. so i can't put any in my yerba mate or smoothies or baking. and i don't feel jusitified in buying more. pretty tough.

i shit pure energy

2006-10-15T23:23:00.000-03:00

omig_d!

this is one of the funniest stories about someone who was injured whilst not doing something particularly stupid, that i've read in a while.
so. incredible.
in some ways, i wish this had've happened to me. blast the bowels good, wha?.
holy motherfuck!!!

LIGHTNIN'!

in montreal...

2006-10-09T10:39:00.000-03:00

-nobody is fat (except tourists)
-everyone is well-dressed (except tourists)
-everyone speaks english (so convenient)
-nobody uses an ipod (i assume because there's so much cool to experience)
-there are hardly any painted crosswalks (why do we need lines?)
-rock shows begin at like 8 o'clock (such a good idea)
-nothing opens early (see next entry)
-i couldn't find anywhere close to downtown to eat a good breakfast (i ate clifbars)
-i was offered coffee, a massage and a private dance (heh)
-apparently nobody drinks water with whisky (hmm...)

boyfriend utterings of old finally make sense

2006-10-07T17:21:00.000-03:00

finally i understand why boyfriends used to say the following seemingly hurtful statements: i don't want to talk about this anymore. can you please be quiet for just a minute? i've had a long day. what are you talking about? i have no idea what you're talking about. no, i don't want to plan our time together this week. let's just see what happens. i have crossed over to the other side. i am the one who doesn't want to talk about it anymore, or hear senseless ramblings. just shut up and kiss me. or fuck off and go home. or maybe i should go home. and leave you to be by yourself to pine away for me forever. man! g_d! gawd! demig_d! SHUT UP!

frequently wondered questions

2006-09-10T23:34:00.000-03:00

the moment you've all been waiting for: ask me a question and i'll answer it!

the internet

2006-09-07T01:34:00.000-03:00

Results 1 - 10 of about 31,700 for "i hate the internet".
Results 1 - 10 of about 234,000 for "i love the internet"

it was about ten years ago that i first went on the internet at school with my then-boyfriend, nick. i think we probably searched "metallica" when given the opportunity to look for anything. what did you search for?

the wicker man

2006-08-23T13:03:00.000-03:00

i have a renewed crush on "the wicker man." it's an excellent film which i've seen only twice, but will surely watch many more times. i'm very concerned, however, about the rehash slated to be released on september first. originally, when i realized there was going to be a remake, i was really interested, so i rented the original again. it was so fucking choice, man. not only could this film not have been done better, but this remake, as i deduce from reading the wikipedia entry and watching the trailer, will completely repaint this entire story and muddy the entire idea.

to begin, the new film replaces christopher lee's incredible character, lord summeraisle, with a female role. this is just completely unnecessary and a too-obvious move to make it modern and borderless. blech-- especially since gender/sex was important to the belief system of this town. also, the trailer suggests that this film is trying to reach for the teen horror audience which demands blood and gore fancy tricks and quick edits. none of this was present or necessary in the original to make it frightening or worth watching. the suspense and creepiness in the 1973 version was inherent in its plot's setup, the setting in general and the tone of its characters. no intense horrror or graphic images were necessary. there was no specific tone of evil or fright-- much was left open to interpretation. i guess the new director realizes that most moviegoers need their movies to be interpreted for them. i shudder to think how awful the soundtrack to the new film will be. that of the original helped make the film. some even call it a musical, as the music was more in the foreground than not, and there a couple of blatant musicalesque scenes. and i abhor musicals.
i believe all the heart and the art will be lost in the remake, as is often the case. but this somehow makes me much sadder than the average remake. the original was made to be a horror film, but of a different ilk. altho i am no movie expert, i don't think there's another film that touches this one-- and i'm especially pointing my finger (and wagging it!) at the never-shoulda-been remake. you money-grubbing whores-- i wish you'd've kept your dirty american paws offa this one. i mean fuck- the original was filmed and set in scotland and this one is set in the US--ugh-- how unromantic-- and filmed in canada. nice way to ruin the mood, asshats!

as a stand alone film, as in had the original not been produced at all, this film could potentially be okay. i would never suggest anyone see it without first seeing the original--or hell, go see it and then watch the original if you wish-- i have confidence you will decide that the original far fucking surpasses this tripe. i'm an anti-fan of nicholas-my-uncle-francis-made-me-an-actor-cage. the new film would tempt me to see it just to see... well... just to see him suffer in many parts of the film. all in all, i haven't decided if i will boycott this new cinematic monstrosity, or if i'll see it just so i'll know how awful it is/ have something to be pissed about for a few hours. but i know i won't be paying to see it with my hard-earned scrill. and neither should you. you should, however (those in my city), gather four non-perishable food items (food drive ends sept 16th) and rent it at video difference. or somewhere else. just see it. there's lots of tits, great costumes, pretty scenery, pagan rituals, great songs, christopher lee, and best of all... sheer unfettered creepiness.

what's the world coming to?

2006-08-18T13:14:00.000-03:00

this is something my parents used to say whilst shaking their heads when something unbelievable happened. i caught myself wondering it lately, because of a series of incidents:

1) scientists are developing a sticker which shows the consumer when a piece of fruit is ripe. just how lazy and ill-informed can people be?

2) 30% of canadians don't know they have HIV. this is staggering. stephen harper didn't attend the international AIDS conference in toronto (not as if it were in fucking zambia or something-- still, no excuse).

3) there are more obese people in the world than hungry people. this is downright appalling. i mean-- it's absolutely atrocious that there is more than enough food on earth, people are starving and we in the west are emotional eating away our healthcare scrill. i hate everything.

autumnal urges

2006-08-11T19:13:00.000-03:00

bring on the effin'fall!

joyeux bloggeux a moi

2006-07-30T01:16:00.000-03:00

wow. happy bloggin' birthday to this slutty biotch. she's two as fuck.

summer 2004 was a complete clusterfuck, but you can look if you want to. i was actively blogging, for what that's worth.

today last year i sold my crowbars for the first time and helped g move out of yukon st. for good. wow. i need a moment to reflect.

two reasons to leave halifax (if but for a day)

2006-07-30T01:10:00.000-03:00

1) i am always wet (and not just in my netherregions). fuck, could the humidity level BE any higher?

2) there are no places where i can be dry where i'm not apt to spend money or freeze my cakehole.

3) even my dry towels are wet.

4) i can't count.

fuck.

two reasons to stay in halifax

2006-07-29T13:18:00.000-03:00

(brought to you by the events of friday, july 28th, 2006)

1) (on my street) i saw a fellow riding a bicycle with another standing on a platform to the side. he was playing a cowbell.

2) there were fireworks on the commons at 2 a.m.

venus envy + wizard of oz= wizard of lesbians

2006-07-23T01:22:00.000-03:00

reflections + metro transit= gay love

2006-07-23T01:14:00.000-03:00

santa was the ass end of this parade

2006-07-23T00:30:00.000-03:00

what's wrong with your fucking feet?

2006-07-22T11:33:00.000-03:00

a couple of days ago on the waterfront, i happened upon two people using gas-powered scooters to travel across the boardwalk. neither of these folks had an inability to walk. they were standing straight up. in a world where obesity is a serious epidemic, there are wars over oil, and the last thing we need is another gas-powered vehicle to destroy our already skullfucked earth, why the serious christ would anyone want to ride a vehicle where they have to stand up, and get manage to get around slower than the average pedestrian whilst polluting the fucking earth? i don't throw around the term terribly often, but you people (and there were two of you, one working for the waterfront visitor information centre and another genius fellow) are fucking losers. especially the wvic (and by extension, nova scotia tourism), you fucking lose hard. you are thoughtless, moneygrubbing imps and i abhor you. you made taking a stroll on the waterfront during peak tourist season an even more vomit-provoking experience than i thought possible, and that is an "accomplishment" i didn't think possible.

come a little closer

2006-07-11T23:56:00.000-03:00

a day where this seems appropriate. a day of thinking of actively doing and not just thinking of it, and by it, i must mean something. an important friend who constantly inspires the kind of self-questioning that allows me to wash my hair and get outta here each morning (or afternoon....), is leaving soon. i try to ignore it, but it's happening. everything about the situation makes me at the same time fearfully naseous and gleeful/hopeful. dry mouth. the inspired but the paralysed. the piece of me who has just listened to an hour of honest pleaing and venting. the piece of me that lies muffled under a pile of dirty black summer shirts. and the piece that actually wants change, but is drowning in its own blood. if glen allen anzalone was not glenn danzig, i ?wonder? what i'd be doing right now-- and always, when things are all afuck.

the sounds of children playing and sure, brutal death

2006-07-06T11:24:00.000-03:00

one can gauge my mood by noticing how easily i tolerate the sounds of children playing.

on a great day, i marvel at the supreme specialness that children can exist at all and be able just to play, with all the g_dawful things happening in the world. pure innocence. bliss. i welcome and smile at it.

on a good day, i hardly notice, and my mood is unchanged-- if not slightly fortified by it as i pass.

on an off day, their terrible shrieks annoy me. i wonder how their shrill squawking, disgusting blubbering and fruitlesss hollering doesn't drive the playground supervisor to throttle them each with their own respective lunchpails.

when i'm feeling next to nowhere: melancholy, angry, nihilistic, i resent their existence. i question how their parents could've not strangled them with their own umbilical cords and stuffed them under the matresses they were conceived upon. i want to drown them in a mixture their mother's menstrual blood, the lifeblood of their ancestors' and my vomit, with a large concentration of spit and bile. their existence is the most revolting and excrutiating riddle. i'd rather not solve it, and end the crude nonsense forever. save the world from their mangy hands, mucousy noses and most of all their torturously diseased screeching... but then the assclown landlord next door deems necessary to use his whipper-snipper-- the second greatest aural monitor of my mood... when that piece of never-shoulda-been-invented tripe beast begins to "work" away, and the children are freaking out in disharmony, i am at a serious brink. i generally have to leave the house, blast norwegian black metal or go to sleep, with earplugs and a hot toddy. this ear-raping duo is the finish line of the race to end my tolerance.

this utter repulsiveness and complete frothing anger doesn't translate into the intense abhorrence of the precious mewing of tolerable, powdery smelling newborns or the brilliant, well-behaved run-off you sometimes see. just the ones that should rightfully drowned at birth, or rather their parents should have been. poor deadened souls. no hope.

anyway, today i am in a good mood with a 40% chance of greatness. this is how i noticed the usual disgustitude was less like torture and more like a robin's first song (ugh). i check my forehead, grab my metalstick-- just to be sure-- and head out, into a world that could turn it all around in 30 seconds.

ready to transport: one to the enterprise

2006-07-03T11:05:00.000-03:00

only the crew of starship enterprise inspire me to have any faith whatsoever in humanity. if i had one wish right now, it would be to join them-- or at least watch season five all day, and not go to work, or have to speak to anyone i don't know.

whodunnit?

2006-06-29T09:42:00.000-03:00

who built the pyramids?

sodomize his corpse!

2006-06-24T13:39:00.000-03:00

on the edge of the commons. yes.

a speck of something

2006-06-24T12:33:00.000-03:00

i just posted a draft from march.
today last year, i ate cereal with my brother.
today this year, the sky is pissing the ocean down, and i'm hungry for a rich treat that i won't taste.

76% metal!

2006-06-22T00:17:00.000-03:00

I am 76% Metal Head.

I was born with the mark of the beast on my forehead and an axe in my arms. I am the god of all things metal! Now if only I could get my parents to give me back my car keys.....

Take the
Metal Head Test
@ FualiDotCom

a)

2006-06-20T00:07:00.000-03:00

randomly happy days are much more difficult to write about-- especially when half asleep.

6.6.06. satan says: eat babies

2006-06-06T00:30:00.000-03:00

two sexy glistening shirtless men with weapons

2006-06-06T00:21:00.000-03:00

cake!

2006-06-06T00:07:00.000-03:00

i like cake a lot. this weekend i got cake two days in a row, and it was fucking fabulous. this cake was the first one. i was at the polish fest dessert counter trying to decide which dessert looked like it would mix best with smirnoff and bowels when this jovial chap showed up suddenly with this pan of cake. he said he made it himself. he claimed it was the best one there. so with that kind of promotion, his was the cake i tried. and it was incredible. so i went back to tell him just how much i loved his cake. "i told you so," he said, knowingly. "and i would never lie to you." and i told him that i knew he wouldn't. i mean look at him: he's either truly not a liar, or too drunk to know he's lying. but it was fucking ridiculous cake. "what kind of cake is it? what's it called?" i asked him.
he shrugs, offering his answer,"cake!"

coming soon

2006-05-29T01:15:00.000-03:00

...oh, fo' sho!

in the mouth of madness

2006-04-27T02:14:00.000-03:00

you have to get yourself off before you walk to work even tho you're running late. you shake like a cardigan'd man in a hardwood apartment all afternoon. puke in your mouth all night. you know who you are when you get what you asked for and you're wrong. it's not as you like it. and you're better off without. paper lanterns have the potential to beat peaks of boredom. eat my wish. make my other one come true. surprise me and make me wrong. eat my fuck. die. put me under opposite house arrest. put my organs somewhere else.

when will i get my period?*

2006-04-08T22:50:00.000-03:00

someday your vagina will drip blood. and you will be fertile. and have to plug your vag or put something under your fleshy rouge tap to catch the leak. you may be plagued with PMS, with stained panties, and your brother making fun of tampons.  you won't be able to have sex without getting blood everywhere, yet you'll probably sharve for sex even more. you will feel dirty. sexy. mad. it will last for forty years or something. bleeding's end will be hell unless you eat soy. you will tell your mom you're going on the pill to control aunt flo. but really you're on the fuck. your mom will give you a pamphlet about your changing body. maybe she'll take you out for pizza for becoming a woman. or give you pearl earrings. or hug you. or hit you. or tell you stories about teen pregnancy that will scar you or inspire you or that you will turn into. whatever you do don't worry if it hasn't come yet. it will come to you in time. unexpected. at school while wearing white pants (after labour day! gasp!) at church. while you're touching yourself. in your sleep. you're not dying-- you're becoming a woman. in some countries you're sent away to a hut-- you: the unclean. enjoy the days of the clean vagina. of the fearless fuck. of the days of childhood dreams that you'll fuck away. you'll be 8. you'll be 18. you'll get it sometime. don't be hasty. get off the net and spemd the entire day reading anne of green gables under a shady tree and remember back on this day when the world asks too much of you.
*this question is probaby the single-most queried by (presumably) girls who end up here at my period. here's an answer for all the curious youngsters who'd rather ask the internet than their mothers, and whose teachers have not addressed it at school. 
$$$ all this and i'm not even menstruating.

clean as a whistle

2006-04-08T19:05:00.000-03:00

i'm officially void of all blood-borne and bodily fluids-borne STDs. i'm also not surprised, because i do it the safe way. but i am clean. and this is awesome. so go get tested.

change at quimpy

2006-03-29T23:48:00.000-04:00

oh-- it's a bear with a huge penis, and breasts and he has a pentagram for a face-- and he has a cleaver.
and he's jizzing.
it's a satanic hermaphrodite killer bear.
oh my god, that was on your bill? oh my god, i'm sorry.
yeah, i'm keeping this bill to buy something at jeanna's cash.
that's awesome.
we should spend it on porn.
shit-- it has a cleaver, and it's jizzing. it's a fucking bear!

carcass sharvin'

2006-03-28T00:16:00.000-04:00

i will be crushed, confused, appalled frightened if the world decides to embrace meat grown in a fucking petri dish, yet not to eliminating eating meat altogether.
p.s. the world's citizens consume 240 billion kg of meat each year. that, in case you're not sure, is a serious slutload of rotting flesh.

my period: the magic 8 ball for your period

2006-03-27T01:51:00.000-04:00

whatever. whatever.
these are the kids trolling around on the interweb. this is what the assholes want to know about. this is where they come to find out about:

2	8.00%	when is my next period
2	8.00%	sex with sister
2	8.00%	panties for your period
1	4.00%	have period while sex
1	4.00%	machinefuck
1	4.00%	pics of my sister
1	4.00%	on my period
1	4.00%	lick my period blood
1	4.00%	when is my period
1	4.00%	shit stains
1	4.00%	about my period
1	4.00%	wife in white panties
1	4.00%	i like to shit my panties and make my husband eat it
1	4.00%	having sex with my sister
1	4.00%	only sister fucking pics only
1	4.00%	teacher in white panties
1	4.00%	sister sex
1	4.00%	my period
1	4.00%	my sister fucked by me
1	4.00%	when am i going to get my period
1	4.00%	fuck my little sister
1	4.00%	consentual sex

i'm not fucking kidding.

blogging is dead to me.

2006-03-21T00:55:00.000-04:00

blogging is dead to me.
i can't say i won't do it anymore, or even that i no longer want to do it anymore, but it is dead to me. this blog was better when i told you more about myself. now i don't want to. and it's boring. part of me is sorry, the other part doesn't care. anyway, see y'around, in some capacity.

chercher ma plotte

2006-03-13T23:42:00.000-04:00

most times, clicking on "next blog" will lead you to something not as cool or relevant (read: incomprehensible and worthless) as the ones you normally read. but occasionally, you find a few cool, if not edgy blogs.
and then you run across something as awesome as this. check out a few of your favourite things. distract yourself from the lack of fresh fruit from the loins of from my period.

three letters

2006-03-09T18:14:00.000-04:00

dear french 33 year-old unemployed teacher who took 21 students (and two others) hostage today,

it sucks you're out of work. the only thing worse than having a job is looking for one. you might have, however, considered looking for work in another field while trying to make your point about the lack of jobs for teachers in france (or consider why perhaps they wouldn't give you a job) rather than holding students hostage. it sucks you're depressed, too. so seek help (i'm sure you'll have little choice now anyway). good luck getting a teaching job now.

love,
bean

dear state of georgia,

consentual sex is consentual sex. i know it's law in your state to prosecute those found having sex under the age of consent, and the law is the law and all that-- but fuck-- it happens all the g_d damned time and she was 15. and he was 17. it's not as if she were 12 and he was 24 or something. and she was willing. and it was oral sex. oh wait-- it was illegal for a husband and wife to enjoy oral sex in your state until 1998-- and punishable with up to 20 years prison time. what the fuck? regardless, 10 years is WAY too long of a sentence for this fellow. rethink. put your energies elsewhere.

love,
bean

dear birdflu,

don't even.

love,
bean

the feces files

2006-03-06T18:46:00.000-04:00

if i have to shit one more time today i'm going to choke myself to death with my own feces. on a lighter note, i'm enjoying and distracting myself with a much sought-after x-files (fourth season) marathon.

when i say motley, you say crue!

2006-03-04T14:42:00.000-04:00

today i'm going through drafts that i didn't post for one reason or another. mostly laziness and my lack of motivation to finish them. here's one:

it's still fairly fresh in my mind-- although i've stopped reeling: i saw mötley crüe. it wows me when i consider that i'd talked myself down from anticipation as recently as two days before the show. we had great fucking seats. scanning the crowd, it seemed i was the only one dressed ironically (except for one eager dude wearing a denim vest and a pink headband-- altho he looked more ready for a springsteen show). immediately, there were "little people". on the best of days, i'm not a fan of "midget" jokes or exploitation. if this were 5 years ago, i would have let it ruin the show-- but not tonight. i had to resign myself to believing the little people were well paid---perhaps even with pussy-- so whatev. i'm sure they weren't really whipping them that hard. also, there were hot lady acrobats who essentially made the show for me. climbing ladders and crawling along the floor like cats and using welding apparati and just plain being sexxxy.

vince neil: you're right in front of me. you look and act just like an old boyfriend (or rather he just like you. i didn't notice until now). so hot. you still know how to hold a crowd more than your counterparts, perhaps by your straightfowardness and conectedness to the reality before you. what?

nikki sixx: evil. you died twice. i liked the multiple "fucks" on your jacket and pants. you looked younger than i'd've guessed you would in person.

mick mars: your spine is fucking fused. i still wonder how you put up with these guys so long. you were such a sight to behold. i wanted to give you a hug.

tommy lee: you're lucky you're a hot ticket, because you seem like kind of a wank. worst. banter. ever. i did, however, enjoy how lame some of your gimmics were. i was all over it. did you hear me scream "methods of mayhem!" whenever you were a wank?

you're all lucky you're still alive and that people came in droves to see you. actually, i'm quite surprised at the turnout.

* i didn't really finish commenting on this show, so let it be known that "Live Wire" was my favourite moment of the night. that's all.

white panties are for pansies

2006-02-19T18:01:00.000-04:00

white underwear is a stupid idea. perhaps prissy ladies like them so they have something to scrub when they're bored and miserable, and so when they look at their clean white panties, they can be falsely reminded that they don't actually excrete anything from their chaste, pristine bodies. but guess what? the rest of us excrete-- and most feces, piss, menstrual blood, vaginal secretions and normal ol' sweat generally isn't white. even cum may be white-- but the shit stains. and sometimes some of those excretions make their way onto our undergarmets. so, here is a tip for all you underwear manufacturers who package white underwear with cool darker colours: don't fucking do it. make white packs. make mixed packs-- but don't make me buy your white panties-- or i'll fucking mail them back to you once i've been wearing them awhile (and i don't have time to fucking scrub them).

a little sci-fi FOR YA.

2006-02-17T19:18:00.000-04:00

every time i see an online personality quiz such as this one, i tell myself i'm not going to do it-- i'm not going to waste my precious time on something that doesn't really matter or change my life significantly. and then i take the quiz. what does this say about my personality? i also abhor being categorized, yet love to categorize myself. sigh. anyway, i'm very pleased with the following quiz results:

You scored as FBI's X-Files Division (The X-Files). You are part of a super secret section of the FBI. You also have the very cool status of â��Special Agentâ��. You believe in many conspiracies and know the government is covering up way too much. Now if only you could the Cigarette Smoking Man to stop providing you with the second-hand smoke.

FBI's X-Files Division (The X-Files)

94%

Babylon 5 (Babylon 5)

94%

Moya (Farscape)

94%

Galactica (Battlestar: Galactica)

88%

Serenity (Firefly)

88%

Deep Space Nine (Star Trek)

81%

Enterprise D (Star Trek)

75%

SG-1 (Stargate)

75%

Andromeda Ascendant (Andromeda)

69%

Millennium Falcon (Star Wars)

63%

Nebuchadnezzar (The Matrix)

50%

Bebop (Cowboy Bebop)

50%

Your Ultimate Sci-Fi Profile II: which sci-fi crew would you best fit in? (pics)
created with QuizFarm.com

the truth about bean

2006-02-16T11:47:00.000-04:00

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Bean!

In Japan it is considered rude to talk with Bean in your mouth.
If you lick Bean ten times, you will consume one calorie.
Bean can't sweat!
Japan provides over thirty percent of the world's Bean supply.
It is bad luck to light three cigarettes with the same Bean!
Bean can't drink - she absorbs water from her surroundings by osmosis.
The opposite sides of Bean always add up to seven.
The moon is 400 times closer to the Earth than Bean, and 400 times smaller.
You should always open Bean at least an hour before drinking her.
The pupil of an octopus's eye is shaped like Bean.

dear valentine,

2006-02-14T01:57:00.000-04:00

dear valentine,
you had it so fucking good. you fucked up.

dear valentine,
i'm glad we didn't get married (i'm prettier than your wife).

dear valentine,
i wish i'd popped your cherry.

dear valentine,
tell the neighbours i'm not sorry.

dear valentine,
you must be so unhappy.

dear valentine,
never again.

dear valentine,
if that's what you call love, you can have it back.

dear valentine,
i was the right choice.

dear valentine,
it was only because we were drunk.

dear valentine,
you could be mine
but you're way out of line.

dear valentine,
my heart is a whore.

help me obi-wan kenobi,
you're my only hope.

dear crown royal,
happy valentine's day.

love,
bean

everybody eats (except for actresses)

2006-02-12T18:35:00.000-04:00

if you haven't already, please let me know what you'd eat if you could eat anything every day for the rest of your life. while you're at it, let my brother know what you'd eat for your last meal.

and

2006-02-12T00:11:00.000-04:00

chocolate chip muffins and carrots and potatoes and tofu and almond milk and strawberry soymilk and books and pens and laundry and crowds and a phone ringing and nothing and sweet leaf and nothing and fucking cold and talking to asia and tea and chai and banana and rice protein and staring and nothing and nothing is something and getting off and an all ages show and whisky and warm apple pie and cardigans and jackyl and b vitamins and rescue remedy and bowel healing and nothing and being inside.

here's some more useless drivel for your pile

2006-02-10T02:49:00.000-04:00

the world is overwhelming. it's different than it used to be. to the perceptive and compassionate, i give props to those of you who are balanced enough to handle it-- to wake up, get your ass ready and walk out into the world. it's often quite difficult. today i had to try it a few times. even when there's nothing specifically wrong in one's life, paying attention to your surroundings and knowing how to brave it is tough. and to those who can't quite make it out the door, or those who don't go about it the conventional way, i hope everyone else can try to understand you or commend your effort. today the shit is numerous-- there's too much of everything in our part of the world-- too many bands, too many razors, too many wars, too many pairs of shoes, too many career choices and too much information in general. most days i abhor technology and resent the information age. i'd love to receive more letters. i'd be content to pay with cash, not plastic. i'd be just as happy to have to go to a libary and look something up, or be content to not know all the useless shit we google (or wiki) to fill up our time and minds and hearts with pointless facts to impress or to comfort or to procrastinate. it's cool if you just really truly want to know, but i know i wouldn't've walked to the library as often as i use google. it's what we're used to and what's expected of us. i'm trying to strike a balance, to find a comfort zone, but i do find it overwhelming and frightening and negative. we have many more choices and it's fucked to have to wade thru all the shit to find the right thing or the one that makes the most sense. some days it's tough to see it in a shiny light. sometimes things get too shiny and we make a mask to hide away and then it cracks. it's hard to know. i am okay-- i'm just sayin.' this has been the theme of the day.

happy birthday oral sex

2006-02-06T08:49:00.000-04:00

happy birthday, professor (and also to axl rose).
on this day last year, i was initially interested and then bitter and devestated as i eavesdropped on a stranger's adoption story.
p.s. please comment on the post below about your favourite food.

if you could eat anything every day for the rest of your life....

2006-02-03T19:16:00.000-04:00

if you could eat any food (or any combination thereof) every day for the rest of your life, without being hampered by its nutritional value or how it made you feel physically, what would it be? this food would have to be eaten every day, but you'd also be allowed to eat whatever else you'd want.

2006-02-03T11:29:00.000-04:00

wiki me this

2006-02-01T18:44:00.000-04:00

wikipedia is the new google. it takes you straight to something relevant, complete, and without commecial influence. the information is always helpful. if not, all the more inspiration to expand a stub article. looking something up on wikipedia needs a verb like google (ex. i googled "fucking machine" and it brought me to my period). i propose, "to wiki," with the preferable usage being, "wiki me this..." Wikipedia seems to think that "To search for information on a topic in the Wikipedia online encyclopedia" should be called wikipediaed, as in, "I wikipediaed the article on science and learned about the scientific method." now isn't that a little cumbersome? isn't wiki much more consice, while still being infinitely clear? now i do realize that "wiki" is already a word (A wiki (IPA: [ˈwiː.kiː]

or [ˈwɪ.kiː]

(according to Ward Cunningham) is a type of website that allows users to easily add and edit content and is especially suited for collaborative writing), thus "wikipedia." but i think it can still work. mug is both a noun and a verb (altho they refer to different things, sure). long live wikipedia. i discovered how to clean (and even make) a bong, they have an extensive and always immediately updated stephen colbert episode guide, and even an entire star trek wikipedia site. they have everything. i am inuit. i have a pulldown wikipedia search engine on my browser.

using google is doing it "the old fashioned way." wiki is much better. it is the future. donate $$ to them if you have it. free learnin' for all. yar.

burlesquesque?

2006-01-31T08:14:00.000-04:00

if something is kind of burlesque but not quite, is it burlesquesque? apparently one can do something burlesquely, so maybe this is a stretch.

i wish it wasn't, but...

2006-01-26T14:55:00.000-04:00

...this is the very least in easy.

aw, come on guys!

2006-01-25T05:39:00.000-04:00

tonight i visited a pub that didn't serve whisky-- what fucking pussies.

erection ( i mean election) day

2006-01-22T21:45:00.000-04:00

HEY. tomorrow is votey vote vote day (aka election day) in Canada. so VOTE, motherfuckers. they will not refuse you. if you don't have something with a current address on it, you can even take someone to vouch for you. just go and vote, anything but conservative. i'll leave it at that-- just reminding your ass.

20/80 is only good for bread, not lives?

2006-01-20T16:24:00.000-04:00

feeling sorry oneself only gets one so far. so do rice cooked for an hour and a half that you still can't digest. it's a toss up: between doing the 80%/20% rule of eating and giving up a stupid amount of the already very-limited foods i had left and not drinking (not even whisky). my sadness cracked me last night and i jerked myself off the very new and shiny wagon to eat a veggie bacon and sauerkraut sandwich, dressed in liberal amounts of ketchup (there ain't no other kinds) and mayo. the preparation made me feel slightly better. got prepped to go to gus's and all of a sudden i wasn't high. and i had to talk to people, and they were drunk. but i'm not drinking. and another point reiterated tonight-- the nites you don't drink, these are the nites people want to buy you drinks. and when i'm sober, i can't talk to people. i'm no good. but for some reason i'm trying. nothing is interesting, i'm passionate about nothing. i have no skills. i walked home alone, with my hood up wondering what the fuck happened, yet i remembered it so clearly. it was unnecessarily and inexplicably twilight zoney. and tonight may also prove to be the same. the music was exactly what i needed, tho, other than something way more dark and appropriate like, um, norwegian black metal.

mary poppins deer roof hoppins'

2006-01-19T18:18:00.000-04:00

a guest post by sweetness

standing out side smoking on bean's deck.
1 rotten squash
2 broken vases
3 burns in the 60 yards of old carpet
4 legged pissed on trampoline
5 faded happy face lights
6 pounds of vegan crap burned onto the barbeque grill
7 boards stuck into the soles of my boots with nails
8 dead whores
9 inches of standing room
10 airborne std's
this is what i witnessed

boring but good lunch inspires two haikus

2006-01-19T00:36:00.000-04:00

emily and i fucked off work in the early afternoon for a "business lunch" where we actually waxed poetical on a bevy of off-topics, including the restaurant (a familiar) where we were eating.

two simultaneous, impromptu haikus:

you make the same food
every god-damned fucking day;
sometimes i like it.

it is always the same.
cold food. hot food:
it is the same.
and it costs too much.

thanks to the eating hole with whom we have such a love-hate relationship, and to the boy who gave us a free muffin (the last one) because we liked to smell it.

i fucking love onions!

2006-01-18T00:24:00.000-04:00

...perhaps most because they don't make me sick but also, because they're a delicious, delicious food and even also because it prevents sickness and cures many ills and is a handy food to use for magick.

have any random onion queries?

what's that?

whut?

whut?

How many pounds of fresh and storage type onions does the average American eat per year?

19 pounds.

How many truck loads of onions are consumed each day?

Nearly 380 semi-truck loads.

What country boasts the highest per capita consumption of onions?

Libya, with 66.8 pounds of onions consumed per person each year.

How many calories are in a serving of onions?

30 calories.

How many onion farmers are there in the United States?

About 1,000.

According to an old English Rhyme, the thickness of an onion skin can help predict what?

The severity of the winter. Thin skins mean a mild winter is coming while thick skins indicate a rough winter ahead.

According to the Guinness Book of World Records, how much did the largest onion ever grown weigh?

10 pounds 14 ounces. It was grown by
V. Throup of Silsden, England.

In what famous story was the Seven-of-Spades threatened to be beheaded for bringing the cook tulip-roots instead of onions?

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll.

* my period thanks the national (american) onion association for knowing about and growing us lots of fine onions (but buy local).

touch your vagina!

2006-01-13T22:29:00.000-04:00

as if google doesn't send enough pervs to my period looking for videos of sisterfucking, machinefucking, or how to give a hand job, i want to encourage you all to touch your vagina. i know it's not applicable to you boys, and i also know i don't need to tell you to do it-- because you already touch your man vagina. and you do it a lot. because it makes you feel good. girls, you could learn something from this. it's come to my attention that many girls are afraid to touch their vaginas. at work, i often suggest that girls cram bio-k in their vaginas for yeast infections, and i often suggest they do so with nothing but clean hands. so many ladies recoil at the thought. i've also seen many gals get nauseous at the thought of using a tampon without an applicator, saying, "so do you, like, ugh, have to, ugh (shudder), have to um (gulp), like, put your fingers in your vagina?" and i say, "hells, yeah! and don't be such a fucking prude. no wonder nobody wants to fuck you." regardless of what my brother says about vaginas, they do NOT have teeth. they won't bite, and nobody has to know. you won't be a big lesbian for touching yourself. you won't go to hell. it won't kill a kitten. you're not insane. you're not a slut (not because you touch yourself, anyway). you probably won't desensitize yourself (perhaps you'll just make the next face in your crotch have to work a little harder if you go too crazy). here's the thing: it can be your secret. but you should touch yourself, as often as you like. don't know how? try. still not working? do some research. if you're a big brave girl, you can ask your mom (ha) or your girlfriends. look online for masturbation erotica (solotouch.com, mymasturbation.com) or read some nancy friday (my first). think of sexy boys or girls or both or dogs or star trek or soccer or venetian blinds or whatever gets you off. i don't care if you think about your dad (nancy friday's collections will let you know it's okay). take out your mittens (if you want), lift up your skirt or rip off those pants and get in or on there. if you want a tool, get one-- just make sure it won't get stuck inside you or cut the shit out of your pleasure canal. turn on some getting it on music, whether it be rick james or babyface or slayer or ravi shankar or the opera-- just fucking get at 'er. do it on the kitchen floor, or in the conservatory with mr. plum... with a candlestick (and a rope!) be slow, be fast, be whatever you need. be quiet, wake the neighbours, do whatever you want, just touch yourself-- and don't stop until you come all over yourself so hard that you feel like you just vomitted bliss through your pretty little vag.

while you're at it, take this awesome masturbation survey! and then go watch kinsey.

styro-hate-a-ma-foam

2006-01-12T00:37:00.000-04:00

soon before maven left, we spent a day around town. as our journey was nearing its end, we passed through scotia square and felt like getting something to eat. our first stop was in front of the indian spot. there were no samosas, they had no soymilk for a lassi and i didn't want to waste styrofoam on curry, so i opted for nought. maven ended up enjoying his first ray's falafel. when he asked for water, he got it-- but in a piece of squinchy white pixellated permanance, aka: styrofoam. we were seriously frustrated. we were pissed because we had no choice, it'd already been used/wasted.
in a flash of eager enlightenment, i remembered the sushi place at the end of the hall, so maven relocated closeby while i ordered an avocado roll from the woman inside. she asked if i wanted it for here or to go and i said i didn't care as long as i didn't get styrofoam. so i got it in fucking styrofoam. it was excrutiatingly difficult to enjoy what would normally be such a fresh, luscious treat when i was forced to waste styrofoam, as part of a team, for the second time in one day. i seethed all thu my meal, trying desperately to forget, to etch this in my memory, to at least learn a lesson to be more clear or to never set foot in a mall again.
i hate styrofoam so fucking much and i've hated it for years. i'll be unreasonable. i'll be petulant. i'll be unnecessarily bitchy if i'm about to consume something potentially great, but won't let myself if it's going to be served in or on the timeless white malevolent container. i'm not being pretentious or intentionally difficult-- i hate it for good reason:

-Americans throw away 25,000,000,000 styrofoam coffee cups every year (and we Canadians produce more garbage per capita than do they).
-when it's "recycled," it is not a closed loop — polystyrene cups and other packaging materials are usually recycled into fillers in other plastics, or other items that can not be themselves recycled and are thrown away.
-McDonald's stopped using styrofoam years ago at the outcry of concerned students (it must be evil if the evilest of mcevil's won't touch it).
-styrofoam is actually outlawed in many US states (again, E-VIL!) -it will never decompose. a plastic container will decompose in 50-80 years, a glass bottle in 500 years if you give it time-- but bitchyass polystyrene will kick around for fucking ever.
-toxins leak into the food that styrofoam contains. this can reak havoc on our health.
-it's made from petroleum-- a non-renewable, heavily polluting, quickly disappearing, war-starting "resource."
-as it never decomposes and doesn't always get disposed of properly, styrofoam is a hideous piece of trash that will never leave, it is available for wildlife to choke on or otherwise swallow, therefore clogging animal digestive systems as well as waterways.
-the recycling of styrofoam is thought to be a public relations stunt, as it is technically recyclable, yet only in major centres
-there's only one polystyrene recycling facility in canada (in mississauga) yet even neighbouring toronto asks its residents to throw polystyrene in the garbage.
-styrofoam is ugly and it has a disgusting squeaky sound and mouthfeel.

the only potentially redeeming qualities of styrofoam are:
-styrofoam cups are produced using six times less energy than paper cups (but paper cups are biodegradable).
-cd jewel cases are made from polystyrene, but at least we tend to keep them around (and use the best ones after our other ones crack and essentially become TRASH.

in conclusion, i think the only cool thing to ever be made of styrofoam is this lovely piece by Giuseppe Gabellone, and it is pretty, but i still despise polystyrene (and of course, this piece of art is social commentary).

everything's coming up...

2006-01-06T15:11:00.000-04:00

...something.

morbid reality bettered by pickled beets

2006-01-04T01:06:00.000-04:00

being alive is such a morbid reality, but simpler to endure with a good feed of warm mashed vegetables, some homemade pickled beets and the second season of golden girls.

quote of the day

2005-12-28T18:48:00.000-04:00

"i think your handjob sobered me up."

happy something

2005-12-26T17:49:00.000-04:00

I had to give you something new to look at.

the ghost of christmas past

2005-12-16T09:32:00.000-04:00

i used to like christmas. i liked it when i lived in a nice house in the country, lit with a wood stove with my mom, my dad, my brother and a puppy. we endured church on christmas eve, hung out with nana and grampie a bit, then wrote a survey for santa to find out if he was real, by comparing the answers with that of the ones left for santa by our friends. we each opened a present on christmas eve. we believed in christ and santa enough to get by. anxiously, we went to bed and rose early to peek at our bounty much before the folks lifted their heads from their pillows. they acted surprised. with the smell of the wood furnace in our snouts, we began with our stockings. our gifts were opened one by one, going around in a circle-- to add to the suspense, appreciate what each other received and prolong that special christmas feeling. after the hugs and thanks, and an hour or so of trying out our few gifts, our slippered feet took us to the kitchen where dad prepared the christmas breakfast--often back bacon, scrambled eggs and toast.later in the day, we'd visit aunts, uncles and grandparents and they'd show us what santa brought them, and they'd feed us pot of gold or quality street chocolates. later, mom cooked a bird and all the obvious fixins. we'd cheerfully chow down on our noel feast, with lemon cheesecake for dessert. people would call and we'd answer the phone with a jolly "merry christmas!" my grampie and dad would sit in the livingroom and flip thru their new books. mom and nana would scramble and ramble in the kitchen the whole day thru. my brother and i would go our separate ways to mingle with our new whatevers. this, in essense, was my christmas past.

the spirits of crassmas (n)ow

2005-12-16T09:04:00.000-04:00

i used to like christmas, but now not so much. i like hallowe'en better, and thanksgiving. these are holidays where most sane people don't buy gifts and cards and go insane. they don't involve jesus, they are more inclusive. christmas makes me edgy and poor and stressed and annoyed and sometimes a little hateful and resentful. i realize this isn't inherently christmas's fault, but our collective fault for allowing the season to grow into the cold commercial tumour that it has. who do you give gifts to? what the fuck do they like? will they even appreciate a gift i laboured to make? eventually, i mostly just capitulated, saying fuck it. i have a list, i'll check it as many times as i need to, some people will get shit, some people won't. some of it will stay in cupboards, closets, drawers and fridges, while some will be held close to hearts. this is the mysterious gamble whose oucome i'll never truly know, because everyone will play the famous, tried and true game of pretending to be happy that us 20-30 somethings are so g-d accomplished. some of us will spend christmas with our families-- and i stress the plural, as many of them are now split up. we'll be picking around carcasses that we don't eat, grains that make us puffy, food that we liked as a kid, but have since grown weary of and our parents don't pay enough attention to notice. some of us will have to work. some of us will spend christmas alone. some of us will be drunk and high. some of us will likely see the image of mary, jesus, or to shake it up just a little--joseph-- on the side of a tim hortons in sydney mines. for some of us, it will just be another day-- because we're not christian, or we don't give six, or even one shit. this christmas, i'll spend alone in my ripped-up apartment like i did last year. i'll be organizing and purging my shit, because it's a good time for it. perhaps i'll smoke or drink or make and eat enough cookies and soynog to make me vomit. i'll listen to norwegian black metal. i'll make tea and read. this is my christmas. it should be chill.

the possibility of christmas-not-so-awful

2005-12-16T08:43:00.000-04:00

someone who helped me see the vestiges of what i can still muster up to emjoy about christmas, is a man named Carson Williams. He's the dude who rigged up $10 000US worth of christmas lights and synched it perfectly with a couple of christmas tunes, including one by my new pals, the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. it's easily the coolest display of christmas lights i've ever seen (sorry, dad good try). it makes me giddy and hopeful. it helped that the TSO are metlin' and stuff, but seriously, Carson Williams is the shit. we've watched this 20 or so times at the house. i get just as excited every time. later, i found that Williams had to dismantle his whole amazing project because the traffic near his house was so thick, that when a car accident occurred, the police couldn't get to the scene. as cool his popularity sounds, Williams vowed to his neighbours that if anything fishy went down, he'd stop immediately-- which he totally did. He and his family make me happy just to look at them. what an agreeable fellow. what an ambitious fellow. this is what the christmas spirit is about-- making peopel forget about the pile of shit we've created that is christmas, and recall the days of christmas past when it wasn't half fucking bad-- even endurable. perhaps christmas was never endurable-- it's just that i was younger, more naive. regardless, Carson Williams inspired me take a step back and have a little toke before i got all up in arms about all the shit i needed to do. if you haven't seen his marvelous, spectacular, phenomental work, please, please check it out here and here. before (or after-- whatev) you get all hatey about christmas, look at the pic of Williams and his family, check out his mad, mad skills and realize that christmas can be something other than nauseating commercial-driven sluttery, that it can even be funny.

worst. dessert. ever.

2005-12-13T00:24:00.000-04:00

dear the westin,

worst. dessert. ever.
nobody ate it.
here's two facts about banana brulée:
1) it's spelled brulée, not brule.
2) it doesn't consist of three slices of banana, three blueberries and a fuckload of melon in some shitty sugar juice soup. burnt pieces of sugar are only okay in small amounts, and best when caramelized, not actually burnt.
also, the tofu tasted like fish. edamame are not seedlings. don't offer a dish with cheese and cream and say it can be vegan and then not be able to deliver. fuck you. the service was decent-- thanks for hooking the team up with shooters even tho we were supposed to only have two drinks apiece.

love,
beany

mother fucker

2005-12-12T09:06:00.000-04:00

i can't digest anything.

smoke someone with a snowball because it's funny

2005-12-09T19:54:00.000-04:00

my mind this morning was burgeoning with hate and resentment and self-depricating thoughts-- but my brother's done his exams for a few days so we went to rassy's to get treats and he got blitzed and i tried only to get into 'er a little and basically i got myself incapacitated and unable to do the work i needed to do but somehow managed to make this wrap (this is it before i wrapped it up)-- it's a kamut wrap with veganaise and pesto and garlic shitake tofu and kalamata olives and sunflower sprouts with pickled ginger on the side this was so ridiculously perfect and now i've done my work and bought some pretty paper and walked in the snow aflufffluff and am home and have just enjoyed a glass o' whisky and am ready to be toasty and bundled as i fuck around on this fine december eve.

gum and nuts: together at last

2005-12-07T11:07:00.000-04:00

if you've never eaten gum and nuts together, here's an idea of what it looks like. the question is, is gum compostable? thanks to sweetness for volunteering for this highly important experiment. thanks also to the now sadly defunct persian bazaar for creating (or supplying) sweet mix, the biggest gem in the world of mixed fruit and nuts. my period will miss you desperately.

...and on the night the snow first fell, the bough broke-- for the last time

2005-12-05T08:03:00.000-04:00

... but overall it was an amazing effin' time. thanks to the legacy of che guevera for starting it all, and to johnny and june for helping us realize the proper end.

...and the third day of the month was mostly this

2005-12-04T00:48:00.000-04:00

i got up at 8:20 and CRM and i bought crüe tickets online which was cooler and more efficient than standing out for them or going to superstore and then we went to the market and to a few shops and ran into em and caught up with professor and i came home and relaxed with scents and books and tea and warmth and i made bars and we made sushi at 11:30 and ate it now i'm off to bed (soon).

i have no erection for this election

2005-12-03T19:44:00.000-04:00

i've thus far kept my opinions to myself about the upcoming federal election. someday i'll give it to you. in the meantime, check out fellow pal bloggers and their campaign coverage: here, here and here. oh, and by the way, it's a big waste of fucking money-- that's all i'll say for now. later, i'll back up that bold statement.

fun to read but not to do

2005-12-03T02:46:00.000-04:00

one thing that it's funny that i do is read about doing things instead of just doing them. i read about starting a business, meditating, doing yoga, practising witchcraft, cleaning my house, and even about getting things done-- but i pretty much never do these things: it's easier read than done.

happy new month!

2005-12-01T10:20:00.000-04:00

holy shit-- it's decembrrrrr.

today is going to be a good day.

2005-12-01T10:16:00.000-04:00

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sometimes i get up

2005-11-26T02:36:00.000-04:00

hmm fucking mmm. people often get sick of halifax and complain about it. i tell them to move out or suck it up. i love this city. i can be out in it or in and it doesn't matter much. i'm (so) high and listening to something bizarre and i just returned from the northend pub and have lots of unrealated ideas and sometimes i'm happy enough to smile about them and read about them and clean my room and bake a pie and wash my clothes and dishes and face in celebration of being alive, and well, sometimes i don't want to get out of bed.

a better waste of time

2005-11-23T00:43:00.000-04:00

this shit has a lot more than the average time-wasting quiz. check it.

My Inner Hero - Wizard!

There are many types of magic, but all require a sharp mind and a cool head. There is no puzzle I can't solve, no problem I can't think my way out of. When you feel confused or uncertain, you can always rely on me to untangle the knots and put everything back in order for you.

How about you? Click here to find your own inner hero.

thank you, poland. thank you, montreal.

2005-11-20T01:32:00.000-04:00

poland, thank you for letting behemoth come to visit. i'm glad i stuck it out and went to the show. i'm glad i went up front so i could see the textures of their boots, clothes, sweat, hair, gauntlets, pentacles, belt buckles, guitars and imagine what they felt like. i could feel the spirit of polish metal. i could see that you liked us tonight, behemoth. thanks, also to necronomicon from montreal. they were also well-dressed and came complete with shiny, luscious hair. yes, i was listening to the music, i just happened to notice their boots and shit. hot stuff, halifax. we are so lucky to have cool bands come every once in a while. phemom.

2005-11-19T02:00:00.000-04:00

Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz.

sorry, pigeons-- this epidemic will all be over soon

2005-11-19T01:26:00.000-04:00

i thought the avian flu was like SARS. i thought it was all media hype and old moribund people dying. no such luck. according to both news reports and a hot blond homeopath, avian flu kills the young and healthy-- yes, 20-30 year olds with strong immune systems. will i be knocked out for trying to take care of myself? possibly. should i worry? no. i'll just stop making out with pigeons.

suggestions for post-orgasmic operations

2005-11-17T18:17:00.000-04:00

allow me to suggest here and now that it's not a good idea to rush off to a seminar or business meeting immediately after a particularly strong orgasm (particularly so if you've had two or so others in the last twelve hours). it could (and this is entirely speculation, of course) cause you to be jittery and/or shaky, dry-mouthed, spacy and flushed. if you had to introduce yourself and tell the group about your business just as you were sitting down-- arriving late of course-- you could feel as though you'd rather hide under the table or vomit or eat a piece of cake or at least share with the group why you're all aflustered: but of course, you can't. anyway, at least have a cup of tea before you leave the house-- and don't stash your rescue remedy in such a stupid place-- in theory, of course. this is just one of the many things you shouldn't try immediatly following an orgasm. allow me to list a few other poor post-orgasm moves:

1) sealing a deal like a contract, internet puchase, marriage proposal or anything slightly official

2) agreeing to get up and get anything from another room, either for yourself or someone else

3) teaching a cursive writing class

4) talking to your mom

5) anything not involving just fucking lying there

mount my poll

2005-11-17T10:32:00.000-04:00

please note the poll on the sidebar and votey vote vote. thanks/merci.

....something that is foul.

2005-11-14T00:37:00.000-04:00

we are the worst.

seven things about now and around now

2005-11-12T09:11:00.000-04:00

a) i'm bored of my own blog because i don't post enough.
b) it snowed a few minutes ago, but i was lying in bed and missed it.
c) i'm the laziest businessperson alive.
d) i won $20 on a scratch ticket yesterday (crossword, of course), so went out for sushi and a peanut butter ball.
e) i had the shittiest sleep last night because the house was a hub of activity after 3:20 pm (three phone calls and three extra people, all drunk and yelling. i had to get up in two hours to work. i couldn't make it.
f) my dreams were about boring things like breakfast and the contents of my bedroom.
g) this is for the Gs and this is for the homies. this is for the homies, now back to the Gs.

open up and say CAW!

2005-11-08T07:11:00.000-04:00

this morning the sky is like sky-colour that's been washed out a few times like a dirty mouth. the leaves on the tree outside my bathroom window are falling ill and scronky. outside, the scent of moribund nature trills past my nose, as my nipples enjoy the stiffness. it's production time in my house, and i'm up, fittingly, with the crows to (w)rap shit up-- but not before drinking the most killer tea that ever there was. again, i love you, yerba mate. i mean love like i'd-want-to-have-your-babies-if-you-weren't-a-plant love. if anyone wants to try some, come to my house: you can have a cup with a crow.

moonspell: make me breakfast

2005-11-06T09:01:00.000-04:00

i like exploring metal from different countries. today it's portugese metal. they sound like they have blood and rocks chocolate in their mouths and sing like they want to fuck me. they win. i bet their lair would have skulls and red satin sheets and old horror movie memorabilia. oh, moonspell: kiss my neck and make me breakfast (i'd like vegan oat pancakes-- i can provide the real cumberland county maple syrup. also, some vanilla soymilk would be choice-- please add kahlua.)

beany's first northend trick or treat

2005-11-01T09:02:00.000-04:00

as this was my first hallowe'en in the north end, i had a hypothesis about how trick or treating would go at my house, but no word from my neighbours on how it's gone in the past.my prediction rang true with our house being assaulted by gangs of kids, but i had the age bracket way wrong. i expected a bunch of hood kids sans parents, running around being all mayhemy. instead, i got 30 mothers with strollers, and orange treat bags on the end of a stick like a butterfly net, each with their requisite three children, saying trick or treat i like your costume you must be going downtown later and running away as quickly as they'd come. no dawdling for these moms. other highlights were the 35 year-old woman oh-so-sketchily dressed as what looked to be robin hood, alone, saying trick or treat without hardly looking at us and running off as quickly as she came, pillowcase in hand; and the scraggily man out to watch the kids, informing us about halifax wiccan celebrations (although he converted to buddhism long ago), telling us hallowe'en jokes and making sure we knew (for the little kids we might know) that robertmunsch.com has downloadable stories, and that "i have to go" has alternate endings, depending on which size book (big or small) that you read.

my period asks (and answers) three questions:

1) what was the most popular costume in your hood?

the most popular hallowe'en costume by far was (oddly) a lion costume.

2) what did you give out as treats?

my period offered fruit leathers (aka unsweetened and untrashy fruit rollups that don't really roll up), sesame snaps (ok, they were mostly there so i could eat them-- and em took some), optimum zen cereal, and comics (mostly older than old firestorm issues) at the door.

3) what was your freakiest hallowe'en moment?

the freakiest moment was probably after dilem, my brother, maven and i all got blitzed off the sea monkey bong and the doorbell rang, as we hadn't brought the jacko inside. i rushed down, reeking of pot, with my wings off, to hand out treats. the mom asked if i was a bat, which was a good guess, because i was. my brother and dilem suggested that i looked like a "whore with pig ears" which wasn't far off. when i got back upstairs, i didn't remember what the kids were dressed as, but i did remember that they were girls. we promptly brought the jack-o'lantern inside to avoid anymore supreme freakouts.

Halifax Hallowe'eny Police Report

2005-11-01T08:28:00.000-04:00

In Cole Harbour, fire crews responded earlier in the evening to a reported brush fire. Firefighters ran a few hoses into the bush but it turned out to be an out of control bonfire that was quickly knocked down.

Police were also busy dealing with a fracas at Dalhousie University where a group of teenagers allegedly antagonized some students.

The taunting turned to violence, according to a witness, when one young person clubbed a student in the face with a bottle and another hit a student with a wrench.

A crowd of students subdued four of the attackers and police arrived a short time later to take the young people into custody shortly after 8 p.m.

The extent of injuries the victims suffered was not immediately known.

At about the same time, an assailant dressed as Santa Claus and an accomplice wearing green overalls and a Jason goalie mask barged into a Charles Street home.

One attacker stabbed at a man inside the home. He suffered a small, superficial wound, according to Staff Sgt. Don Fox of Halifax Regional Police.

The intruders fled and police continue to investigate.

An RCMP officer was slightly injured when a passing car clipped him during a traffic stop.

A female driver apparently did not see the constable as he spoke with the driver of a car he had pulled over in the area of 1715 St. Margarets Bay Rd. in Timberlea. The officer suffered a minor elbow injury, police said.

** In unreported news, firefighters were called to the corner of Cunard at Maynard where someone had set fire to a bag of garbage at the curb (and where the police were called for domestic violence on Christmas morning). Fortunately, the inhabitants managed to extinguish the fire with pans of water before the officials in shiny red arrived on the scene.

bean-o-lantern

2005-10-30T12:11:00.000-04:00

boo.
mave, thanks for the o'lantern.

worst. hallowe'en. participation. ever.

2005-10-30T00:02:00.000-03:00

i can count on one person for Hallowe'en adventures-- but i didn't even take him up on it. my hallowe'en energy had soared too low my this point. hallowe'en is my favourite. it always has been. it's dark and spooky and ridiculous and people get wack and i feel comfortable because it's my time. this year, after resigning to the idea of not making a corpse bride costume, i ended up making a bat costume which was fucking killer. professor fry helped me, ok, made the ears for me, in what turned out to be the personality of the costume-- the light spot shining through darkness. i was set to go to stage nine and nobody wanted to go. some were too sick (it's hallowe'en-- plan for health). the gothiest of the goth didn't have a costume this year (no excuse, it's your christmas, man). some didn't have enough money (borrow from your mom, it's halloween). others too much schoolwork (i will help you with your schoolwork). everybody: not enough planning. i suppose i could've gone out myself, but it made me sad not to be with my ghouls. i opted for a a few photoshoots, where professor captured the dark soul of my bat costume. at least it was well documented, whether i got to dance in it or not. li'l j did call me to go out, but i was too sober and bummed to go at one a.m.
memo to everyone: next year SUCK IT UP AND TRY HARDER or don't talk about hallow'en as if you care.
anyone want to goth night for dancing tonight? try to win your dark back?
my period kind of apologizes for the harshness, but your nonparticipating nature really got me down.

Z O M B I E P U M P K I N S!

2005-10-28T20:19:00.000-03:00

check. this. shit. out.you can pay as little as $5 to download one of these stencils. bootastique!

vay-kay-shun? hot: so hot!

2005-10-27T15:08:00.000-03:00

i'm on vacation. vacation. fucking vacation! i've not taken an actual week's vacation in more than two years. it's so hot i'm dancing. the first three days were pure fucking lazorama. today i got up (relatively) early to make a batch of bars, as much because i wanted to eat them as that they're long sold out (i'm totally eating one right now). the saddest news is that we're totally out of soymilk which seems like it'd never happen-- but it totally does-- oh wait! i have backup!..it's not amazing. it's expired, but it'll have to do... so the last few days has brought a bunch of little amazing events. tuesday lucia and i went to value village where in five minutes i found a cool batman mask which i was going to render. in a move that wasn't terribly signature, i lost it somewhere between the store and the car. i suck. anyway, i also got some rad warm red kneesocks. stopping my to the allan street kitchen, mat gave me an old man luedecke cd and it's exactly what i needed. thanks. so i came home and listened to it and drank cup after cup of tea while and read while it pissed and i mean pissed rain outside and i had warm socks on and lots of asweaters and afghans and quilts and i was perfectly warm and this is the day of my dreams it was so fucking perfect i almost came on my book. yesterday my parents came and i was in a quiet mood and we picked my brother up at school and ran around looking for a place to eat and we ended up at mexico lindo after a gillion minutes of driving and me changing my mind about the instinct i had that this or that resto's food might be too oily or some other shit. came home, was a little pissy. drank a drinkydrink left on the table from the night before and headed again to the allan street kitchen to be interviewed on everyone's favourite vegan baking (radio) show let's get baked with mat and dave, about having a healthy halloween. the episode should be on tonight (from 5-6pm), and it's CKDU funding drive time, $o pledge you motherfucker$! made supper of leftover baked squash in fried tofu and split pea soup and headed to rosie's to check out the shirt he screened. it's hot and soon everyone can wear my bar's emblem on their chest. then to egg's to drill a hole in our sea monkey aquarium so we can make a bong from it. i will post more about this soon. other excellent highlights of my vacation: me doing shit-all until now and that's why i'm procrastinating. and we watched some crazyass stephen hawking stuff and a few choice simpsons episodes. also, i ate a good chunk of a loaf of kamut bread that tastes like white bread but feels like kamut bread because it is. also, my lovely aunt gloria and uncle jack, the lovely folks who keep me in constant supply of sweet sweet maple syrup, sent down a kohlrabi as big as my head or bigger, like 5 enormous squash and a fuckload of potatoes, carrots and pears. they're totally unsprayed pieces of awesome, grown with love and weeded in part by child labourers (grandchilren). thanks, aunt g and uncle j! more soon. more later. more sooner or later.

soymilk, soymilk in my fridge-- how many soymilks do you wish?

2005-10-21T23:04:00.000-03:00

a funny thing happened last night. we were baked, watching a flick and eating cookies when i pleaded with my brother to refill my glass of soymilk. when finally he agreed, he yelled from the kitchen, "pink, blue or green?" i realized that not only did we have three varieties of so nice soymilk (unsweetened, original and vanilla, respectively), but that we also had a carton of vanilla edensoy and minutes before we'd drained a carton of silk original. we had, at one point in the evening, five varieties of soymilk in the fridge. but i think we can top that-- we didn't even have chocolate or strawberry (or mocha, or cappucino, or green tea...)